New and re-recognized stuff

Every once in a while, I see something that Rose does that gives me a fresh sense of dismay that I didn't recognize what was going on with her earlier in her life. If only I had realized her difficulties earlier, I keep thinking, I could have helped her along over some sticky parts of life, taken steps to make sure her public school experiences were less overwhelming or negative. At least that's what I keep thinking, realistic or not.

She's been a little high-strung the past couple of days, as I've mentioned. Just a little while ago, a piercing shriek alerted me to the fact that she'd found a spider on her pillow. She came running into my room with an expression of complete internal focus, grabbed the edge of my robe as it was laying on the bed, and began rolling the edge of it with her fingers in a ritualistic way while she explained the spider situation. She did not look at me.

That gave me a slight shock. When she was a toddler, she used to rub her fingers along the edges of her blanket in just the same intense way. I just had thought, well, that's how she is, and made sure that she could get her blanket when she needed it. I never thought for a moment that it was some kind of sensory ritual, or rather, I never thought of it as something unusual. So is it, really? How is it unremarkable at two and eye-opening at eight? And further, is it really eye-opening at eight? Do neurotypical eight-year-olds not do this? I suspect not for any number of reasons, but I'm not completely sure.

Rose's grandmother keeps asking if Rose is "getting worse," because to her, it seems that's so. I keep trying to explain that it just appears to be that way since behaviors that were OK for a young kid aren't for an older one. I keep finding situations or behaviors like this one where she has not essentially changed since babyhood, and I keep being shocked at their new interpretation in light of her autism.

I do think the toewalking I mention in the last post is new, though. I don't really remember her toewalking at any point in childhood prior to this. Sometimes I really don't know what to think - or what to do, if anything.

Back to (Home)School

Today has had so much packed into it that it feels like it's been at least two days. We've had a fairly quiet summer. We've done some art projects and had some low-key fun, including a fantastic picnic with the local Asperger's society. And now we've had a hectic couple of days, with a visit from Rose's cousin yesterday and the official start of the school year today for both Rose and her sister.

Rose's quirks all rise to the surface when she's stressed, of course. Some of them are relatively innocuous, like finger-flicking and toe-walking, others become more obvious, like withdrawing or not being able to register someone talking. Then there's the panic attacks and emotional explosions over things like... clicking the link to the wrong video on YouTube, or the fact that the screensaver went on.

But overall, I have to say that this is really damn mild anxiety compared to say, starting a new school year at a public school. And in fact, some of the anxiety Rose is experiencing now, I believe to be linked to the emotional triggers of "starting school" from the past couple of years. She freaked out over clicking the wrong link to a video because she felt as though "everyone" (?) knew that she messed up again.

Very, very fortunately, this particular video we were about to watch was Phil Plait's piece for kids on scientific methodology - and how science is about trying things out, including being wrong and correcting oneself. It made for a great support to say, "It's OK, even scientists (like you want to be!) make mistakes or are wrong, it's completely expected, and in fact mistakes are great, because you get to learn from them."

We ended the school day with a distinct sense of satisfaction. And some ice cream, of course.